What have I learned from playing with children?
Reflections from Montana on reclaiming joy, curiosity, and emotional flow through play
Since my mid-thirties, I truly enjoy playing with children. Before that, I was in a rush to grow up and become an adult. As a result, I took life far too seriously and couldn’t fully enjoy the pleasures of play.
To take joy in play, one must first be present in the moment, focusing entirely on the game and one’s playmates.
In today’s world, being fast, efficient, and productive is highly valued. On top of that, we are constantly bombarded with stimuli through countless technological devices. So being present and focused on a single thing is challenging—not just for us adults, but even for children. In this context, truly enjoying play often requires us to step outside the conditioning of society.
Right now, I am in the state of Montana, USA, visiting my friends Ilgaz and Kevin. They have two sons: Genco, who is two, and Robin, who is four.
Since I arrived, I have been having such a joyous time playing with them. As I have no responsibility for feeding, bathing, cleaning, or managing their sleep or toilet needs, I can focus entirely on play.
When I am with them, I am fully in the moment, and I feel life bubbling up from within me. Although I sometimes get physically tired, it is a deeply nourishing and vibrant experience for my soul.
Everyday Magic: Playing with Genco and Robin
With two-year-old Genco, we name the colour of every car that passes in the neighbourhood—both in Turkish and English. We jump around wildly to rock’n’roll music, sing at the top of our lungs, clap at the sound of stones splashing in the river, visit the diggers and construction machines nearby, and build tunnels and bridges for toy cars using our legs and arms.
With four-year-old Robin, we create faces from stones and fungi on tree stumps, shout “parachute!” as we blow dandelion seeds into the air, build sailboats from bark, twigs, and leaves and set them afloat in the river, watch bees wandering over the lavender bushes, and play fetch in the lake with sticks.
Whatever we are doing, I direct all my attention to the relationship I am building with them, while also keeping an eye on their safety, of course. So I am both playmate and adult, and I can now move between these roles with ease.
It wasn’t always this way. I used to struggle. I had rigid ideas in my mind about what it meant to be an “adult,” and my “playmate” self was strongly influenced by unconscious behavioural patterns.
My ability to form a genuine relationship with play has come through years of unlearning—and the process is still ongoing.
For example, seven or eight years ago, when playing with the children of close friends or my niece Deniz, I used to impose my own style of play. I believed it was the only way I could enjoy playing. When two- or three-year-old playmates wanted to play differently, I would get upset and even quietly resentful.
Now, being upset and resentful to a small child sounds ridiculous but at the time it felt right since I wasn’t yet aware of my unconscious behavioural patterns.
When I was little, my father would take the drawing out of my hand and show me “the right way” to draw. He would also impose his preferred way of playing. Unknowingly, I inherited that tendency—to insist on my own way during play—and it would show itself in those moments. Over time, I have let go of that habit and opened myself to the worlds of my playmates. Now I join in with excitement. Of course, I still make suggestions during play, but I no longer insist that we do it my way.
The Urge to “Help” — and How It Gets in the Way
Another unconscious habit I used to have was trying to make things easier for the child I was playing with.
Again, at the time I wasn’t aware of the fact that children develop their physical and mental skills through play. When I stepped in to make things easier, I was actually interfering with their growth.
If we were playing a stone-throwing game, for instance, I used to hand the child the stone they wanted to throw. But in doing so, I was denying them the chance to develop the skill of finding the stone, picking it up, and carrying it to the riverbank. I believed I was being helpful in the short term, but in the long run, I was hindering their development.
I suspect I inherited this behaviour from my grandmother and mother, who always tried to make life easier for me. Their care was loving, but it also laid the foundations for this well-intentioned interference.
What have I learned from playing with children?
Thanks to the children playmates in my life, I now know when to be an adult and focus on their development and when to be the playmate and focus on the joy of the play.
Children are incredible teachers. They show me the possibilities of growing wisely and being vibrantly alive.
I grew up learning to judge both my own emotions and those of others. But spending time with children—without judging them or myself—I have come to see that emotions aren’t “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.” Whatever the reason, when a feeling arises, it wants to be acknowledged. Once it is accepted, it tends to dissolve quickly, and life moves on. But when we attach meaning to it with our thoughts, it can’t flow naturally into the stream of life.
To me, emotions are like little ripples that rise and disappear on the surface of life’s river. They form, they are expressed, and then they are gone. But when we place mental dams in the stream—like the ones made from sticks, leaves, and branches in nature—those emotions get stuck and build up pressure.
And then, of course, there are times when we build emotional dams like massive concrete barriers… but that is a topic for another piece.
Reflection Prompt
What is your relationship with play?
When was the last time you allowed yourself to be fully immersed in play without trying to lead, fix, or control the moment?
Think back to your childhood or recent time with children (or even adults!)
• Did you feel free?
• Did you feel awkward or unsure?
• Were you able to be fully present, or were you distracted?
Take a few quiet minutes to notice how play shows up in your life today. What would it look like to loosen the grip of your “adult self” and follow the lead of your inner child? Please share your reflections in the comments.
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